I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
