There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
