dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
