just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
