you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
