I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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