dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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