let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
