You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
