As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
