he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
