I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
