he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
