Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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