I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
MIDGETS
????
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
