that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
