Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
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