I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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