Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize