I wish I could punch you in the face.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
