this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
