Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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