dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
i black out too much to be "responsible"
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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