i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
