Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
