no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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