Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
