So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
