Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
