I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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