someone owes me an orgasm
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
