I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
We need to rekindle our bromance
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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