i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
