Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
