maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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