My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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