last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
