he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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