I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
