Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
