Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
