You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
