It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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