Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize