You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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