I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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