Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I have already put on my inside pants.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
