I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize