I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
