I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
