I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
