Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
