Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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