I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
