like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
