i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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