just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
