Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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