I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
