I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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