At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
