i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
