I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
