Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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