She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
