Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize