i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
